I Am Only All That I Wish To Be

The Times, They Are A-Changin'

2008-11-10T10:39:00.002-05:00

When everything feels as though it's changing, it's funny how much stays exactly the same. Even the littlest things.

Time is passing too slowly and quickly at the same time. Two months; I have to keep repeating that to myself. Only two more months. Not too bad, right? It's two months! It feels like an eternity, but it feels like it will be here tomorrow.

We as a people have elected our next president. Regardless of where you stand, I hope you can step aside and outside of yourself to realize that he's our president. All the hate and racism and anger that has emerged during this election is shocking. That's what I get for believing the best of people. But I don't think I could have it any other way.

Piece by Peace

2008-09-12T12:20:00.003-04:00

I feel like I can't say it enough. Lately, I can feel it. A positive energy, radiating throughout me. In and around me, in every aspect of my being.

I can't say it came from just one thing, or even name the string of things that it stemmed from. It just sort of happened. This positivity just marched up to me, brushed through the door, grabbed my hand, took the wheel, and said "Let's go!". And am I going? Hell yes!

I feel an inner peace, not quite where I want it to be, but damn near the best I've ever felt before. I'm not perfect by any means, but I feel as though I'm getting to where perfect is, for me. Books have been my staple lately. I always have a few with me, a few that I'm reading, and of course, several that I'm buying.

Whole Foods has become my home away from home. EAch and every time I venture through the doors, I feel lifted, instantly. The food is amazing, yes, but what makes the experience, well...an experience, is the people. It's a mash-up of hundreds of different kinds of people. I could sit there for hours and just enjoying watching the people pass me by. It helps that they're all super-friendly to boot.

I've realized a lot about myself, and about the world. I've accepted, hell actually BELEIVED that for once, I DO have the power to do big things. I looked at my hands the other day for quite a while, and I just felt a surge of "I can!" attitude. It sounds corny, I'm sure. But I couldn't be happier.

A large part of it has to do with the fact that lately I've been setting my mind to things, and actually accomplishing them. I had the classic case of "Slacker Syndrome" and "Procrastinators Putting-It-Off Problem". But I decided that I was going to build myself a book case. And Lo and behold, in two days, it was complete. Done by myself. With my own hands. It may not sound like much, but holy shit did that feel like a mountain of an accomplishment. And it's the first of many.

I'll be posting pictures of the book case soon, and updating this little gem more regularly. But until then, be well!

Moments

2008-06-01T20:15:00.001-04:00

There are moments in everyone's life where you come across something, anything, a movie, lyric, poem, person, song, book, picture, ANYTHING, and it changes you. And sometimes you see something and it doesn't phase you. You hardly think twice about it. I suppose you have to be in a particular place in your life at that moment. But when you're in that place and the right thing comes along and your world is drastically different.

I am a firm believer that those moments make us who we are. They build us up when we're low. They give us faith when we have none. They make us smile through never-ending tears. They give us a whole new perspective on life and open our eyes to a completely new layer of life.
It's no big secret that of late I have not been the happiest of people. Things went from wonderful to devastatingly terrible within minutes. I've felt low in my life. I've been beaten, kicked and spit on when I'm down, and laughed at after it all, but I must say I don't think I've ever felt so alone. It's not so much a question of being with someone. Or having the friends who remain a phone call away to support you. But if you've never felt it, then the feeling can't be described. The one quote that comes to mind is "I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."

I have experienced not one, not two, but three of these "moments". Again, perhaps I was vulnerable, my emotions were in pieces and I literally felt lost, but I like the think the timing was absolutely spot on. I was watching a video on YouTube (nothing worth mentioning, since I myself do not even remember what it was) and after that video I decided to just click on a series of links and see if I could find anything interesting. Well I ended up seeing a series of links to view the first interview with Terri Irwin (the late Steve Irwin's widow).

Now I wasn't a huge fan of Steve Irwin. I was saddened by his death in the sense of being shocked and knowing that while his death will not really affect me (I didn't watch the show he starred in, nor as I said was I a huge fan), but that he was a good man and he would truly be missed. I didn't think much about it passed "Oh, how sad!". So honestly out of boredom I decided to watch the videos not really expecting much.

Within the first five minutes I was already crying. The love that Terri had and still has for her husband struck me. The sheer strength of this woman blows me away. I felt it as I was watching it that something in me was changing. She amazes me. Her philosophy on life can be summed up by one thing that was said during her interview: the reporter asked her if she thinks she appreciated her life with Steve and response, without hesitation was: "YES! Absolutely. I was thankful everyday. I knew I was living a fairy tale. And I was able to take it all in. I knew it while I lived it."

That last statement struck me. Do you know what you have WHILE you have it? I know I didn't. The strength not only of Terri, but her daughter Bindi amazes me. For Bindi to be able to stand in front of everyone and read about her father being her hero is breathtaking. And don't try to rationalize and say she doesn't understand the depth of the situation, trust me. She does.

I can't really explain or describe how powerful the entire thing was. For those of you interested here are the links (the interview is separated into several parts):
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96VAO_cbF_U
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5p5mkjD9yDE
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m99Zyl5WD9s
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBYxpHFa_N0
Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1KyWPKozXA
Part 6: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRmSr3wSW9o
Part 7: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCmasrYwosk

The second moment was while watching the new movie Babel. If you have the time, Babel is a MUST SEE. But you must open your mind, open your heart, and actually TAKE in the message that is trying to put across. There were people in the theater that were laughing during crucial parts of the story, and it was very clear to me that their intellect and intelligence and depth was minimal, if at all existent. I don't know what to say about Babel because it can't be described. It truly CHANGED my life. The subject matter is weighty...heavy. But in a good way. There's no way for me to describe it. You must see the movie.

The third moment is far more personal and I will not go into much detail. I wrote something written by a good friend of mine about the loss of her grandfather this past February. I, having lost a grandparent last January, really felt what she was saying and it really got to me. I told her I understood and I felt what she felt and that I was there for her if she ever needed me. Less than a minute later I get a phone call: my own grandmother passed away this morning. A severe case of irony and a cutting life lesson. It's a very difficult thing to discuss, so there is nothing more to say.

I myself have said to others "Life life to the fullest", "Don't take anything for granted", and all the things of that sort. I would love to admit that I practiced what I preached on this issue, but that is simply not the case.
After this series of events I FEEL a change in my life. I know now that I don't have to try and convince myself to let things go and to live like no one was watching. I can feel it.

Think about your life. Think about your decisions. Think about those you love. Think about the things you say. Think about the things you fight about (most of them are not worth it). Think about yourself. And think about others. Just think.

In loving memory of Jackie Justesen. Rest in Peace. I love and miss you.

Branching Out

2008-05-08T17:33:00.003-04:00

I created a new blog, which will only feature my photography (yes the prints are for sale! haha). I'd love to get some feedback as far as what everyone thinks, so please check it out here.
I am expecting a new camera next week, so they will be improving in quality, but your opinions and criticisms are welcome!
Thanks everyone <3!

I'm Going Back to the Beginning

2008-05-07T23:52:00.005-04:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. If there was such a thing, it would probably be too much, but I like to think everyone gets in these moods.

For the most part, my thoughts have been productive. I've been dreaming, wishing, imagining, and thinking about all the possibilities that are ahead of me in life, and I am filled with excitement. I won't go into all of my ideas and thoughts, because frankly it's just too much to even put into words. I just find myself looking forward and being so excited. Yet at the same time, not being able to make up my mind. This probably isn't making any sense, whatsoever.

Anyhow, I went back to my high school the other day. Just for the hell of it. I've been back there for graduations after mine (in fact I'm going to my brothers graduation at the end of the month!) and sports events and everything, but yesterday was the first time I have gone just to go. The stadium was empty, the sun was setting, and it was just gorgeous. It got my mind running even more so than it had been, and it was a great and wonderful night. It put everything into perspective for me.

Sometimes looking back to where you came from, where you started is just as enriching and eye-opening as looking forward with hope. And sometimes it's all you need.

Something's Missing

2008-05-05T15:45:00.002-04:00

So, thank you Goony, for pointing out that I've been away. It's been far too long!
I've been so wrapped up in school and family and everything else going on that I haven't taken the time to visit CSL or write in my treasured blog.

I am nearly done with the quarter, and I'm looking forward to it, but not for the typical "college-student" reasons. Of course, I'm excited about my summer and all those normal things, but more than anything, I'm looking ahead to fall quarter. Because for me that means I get my 30 hours and from there can go back to being a full-time student. Which is something I've been waiting for for the past year and a half now.

My husband comes home in a little less than 5 weeks, and I'm already aching to see him. It's been the longest time we've ever had to go without seeing each other, and all I can say is thank heaven above that I have amazing friends here to keep me laughing, let me cry, whine, bitch, and who want to get me out of the house. It means the world to me, probably far more than they will ever realize, and I never seem to be able to thank them enough.

I'm gradually increasing my ratio of Raw Food intake (while maintaining my workout routine) and as Dee pointed out, I seem to be glowing. That's a wonderful thing to hear, and really encouraging. Right now I think I'm at slightly more than 55/45 which is FAR better than how I used to eat, haha. I took my mother to Whole Foods for the first time yesterday and while she was hesitant to try things (in her own words "I don't want to spend $4 on something that usually costs me $1.50 when I have no idea what it's going to taste like."), we managed to pick up quite a good bit of things, and we got home, she dug into a few things and sat down to make her list of things she wanted to get on her next trip to WF with me. Haha, she's adorable!

I'm getting antsy again to do something, and I'm trying to figure out where I want to go. It needs to happen soon.

I hope everyone is doing FABULOUS! And Happy Cinco De Mayo! <3!

Hello Sunny Day

2008-04-07T23:30:00.001-04:00

I realized this weekend just how clouded my mind was with so many things. Little things, big things, everything, and yet seemingly nothing all at once. Let me explain. I've been working out on a more regular basis the past week and a half. Yes I'm aware it's no world record, but it's a feat for me, and gives me a reason to feel proud of myself. I'm taking it slow at first. Five to six days a week, 30 minutes of cardio (right now I'm sticking to the elliptical at a level 5 incline) and classes on top of that. The classes I've added have been Group Power (weight lifting with a bunch of people) and Group Kick. I'm on love with Kick, to put it lightly. Not only does it make me feel more powerful than most things in my life can seem to do, but it gives me a place to let out every frustration, big or small, that has gathered within me throughout the day or two that has passed since I last took the class, and on top of all of that: It's simply fun as hell.

Anyhow, while kneeing my imaginary opponent in the face, and clearly picturing someone with who I've got quite the beef, I had a moment where my mind seemed to tap me on the shoulder and say to me, "Hey, I love you and all, but you seem to be holding too much clutter in here, mind if I get rid of it?". I shuffled to the other side, and began kicking the same imaginary opponent, and I muttered out loud (not audibly, thanks to the music), "Yes, please." I could clearly feel my mind cleaning itself out. In a way, I pictured it like all the pollen that's been accumulating on my car and driveway being washed away by all the rain we got this weekend. Same principle, I suppose.

I let go of the little things and all the ideas I force myself into believing. This that in the reality of my mind I hope will happen, yet in that clouded state, had tricked myself into believing were truly something that was going to happen, just like the sun was going to set that evening. I was making myself miserable with all of these maybes, potentialities, perhaps this, it's possible that, and I wasn't even realizing it. What is so damn wrong with just being happy now? With what I have?

The answer is simply: nothing.

There's nothing to keep me from smiling because I am taking two classes at a community college. Instead of being grateful that I'm actually taking classes, I'm beating myself up over the fact that it's "only two". That's not to say that I have to find positivity and happiness in every single aspect of my life. I'm allowed to be miserable or sulk over certain shortcomings. I'm only human after all. But it seems that it took my mind clearing itself out for me to realize this.

I had it pointed out to me now that happiness seems to be a marketing ploy. People, companies, groups, doctors, gyms, food and beverage companies, vacation spots, all of it, they're all telling us that misery, depression, unhappiness, even sadness for a day means something is wrong. We need to be inherently happy all the time about every single aspect of our lives. And of course, they can teach you how, or tell you their secret, or give you the hidden little golden nugget that holds the key to true and constant happiness. For a fee, of course. It's great that they can be positive in and of themselves. I admire you for being able to look at a car accident or an upset doctor's diagnosis and twist it into something positive for yourself, but I just feel that sometimes people need to reminded that there's nothing wrong with being sad or upset about something. Even if it's something as silly or trivial as a broken nail. Of course it's not the end of the world, anyone who mourns the loss of a nail for more than a few minutes, probably is missing the point, but my point is that you don't have to look at that broken nail and find something positive to say about it.

I'm so grateful that my mind knows me well enough to know when it needs a little extra space to wiggle around in and get me going. It sure makes me glad we're stuck together for life.

Circle of Life

2008-04-01T10:06:00.005-04:00

Within the span of three days, towards the end of last week I found out that my aunt a baby (more on that later), my stepdad has kidney stones, and unfortunately, had to put one of my cats down. Now let me tackle two of the three above mentioned occurrences.

First: My aunt and her baby. This is her second child, her first is a beautiful little girl named Vivian. Now, unless you know some things about my family the rest of this is going to sound extremely rude and probably bitchy, so I'll fill you in. My grandfather is blind from something called retinitis pigmentosa. One winter our entire family went down to the U (University of Minnesota)to get test for this genetic disease. Normally, women are carriers and the men go blind from it, but women CAN go blind from it. So we get our eyes dilated and everything and then they come back and list off who has it (for the record, I am not a carrier, my father didn't have it, my uncle didn't have it, my great aunt not only carried it, but was losing vision from it, and my aunt (the one who had the baby) was a carrier). Now this may not seem like any kind of thing to think twice about, but essentially the doctors told my aunt that if she ever had a boy, he was pretty much 100% likely to go blind. There's been a big debate in many circles about this sort of thing: If you know ahead of time, even BEFORE you get pregnant that your child is going to have some sort of mental or health disorder, would you have the child anyway. when my aunt initially tried to have children, they had difficulty, but eventually performed in vitro fertilization and conceived their daughter. Three years later they used it again, and of course, had a boy. He's adorable, and sweet, and so cute (Liam Roman is his name, for the record), but still, a part of me is really upset with her for having a child knowing that he will go blind. It just seems extremely selfish to me. You want a child so bad that you willingly put it through a life that you know will have a quality that is less than..perfect, I suppose, just so you can say you have a child. But don't get me wrong, I'm sure many people could skew what I just said and make it appear that I think that anyone who isn't perfectly healthy, has all their limbs, sight, hearing, etc, etc, has a terrible quality of life, and that's not true. I don't think that. My grandfather is completely blind and lives a perfectly normal life (with the exception of driving a car and things like grocery shopping), but he's done more than most people WITH their sight have done, so don't misconstrue what I said and what I meant. Anyways, my point is that I'm struggling with her decision and trying to understand why she felt it was right for her to make that decision, because in all honesty, had I known what she knew going into it, I don't think I would have gone forward with conception. I'm obviously not in a place to make that decision in my life, so I can't speak definitively, but it still seems very odd and very selfish to me.

When I was four years old, we had just moved to Georgia, and I was miserable. So in an effort to help make Georgia seem more like home, my mom took me to the Animal Shelter a few counties away, and told me I could pick a kitten. I walked past all the cages, looking in and stopping at a few to eyeball some of the cats. When I reached the last row there were about 4 black and brown kittens, and one white one way in the back. I stuck my finger through the cage and used my baby voice (yes, I even had a"baby" voice when I was four!) and tried to get one of the kittens to come towards me. To be honest, I had my eye on the smallest one with the most brown on it's fur. But, just my luck, the white kitten trots up and starts nuzzling my finger. It took less than a second for me to look at my mother (batting eyelashes and all) and tell her I wanted him. They pulled him out, and handed him to us with papers, a crate, and a flea collar. We get home, realize that he's terribly flea infested (my mother tried to give him a flea bath and he FREAKED out! Shaking, shivering, crying, the whole nine, which he continued to do for hours after the actual bath itself, haha). We got rid of the fleas, and I decided to name him Sammy. Now as Sammy grew up and we became closer, we realized a few things about him. As amazing of a cat and companion as he was (he would follow me everywhere, like a dog!) he didn't like to be held (seriously, I have scars from him fighting me to put him down), he didn't like the fancy cat food (if we bought the expensive kind of him, he would make it a point to vomit in our shoes and harass us until we got the message), he loved potato chips and popcorn (if we were on the couch, eating popcorn and watching a movie, he would sneak up behind you, and swipe the popcorn from your hand right before you got it to your mouth), and lastly he loved Hazel (our dog, who my parents had gotten a year before I was born). We once found Sammy and Hazel working together to steal our food. We had just grilled hamburgers, walked outside for a moment, and when we walked back into the kitchen, Sammy was on the countertop eating bits of hamburger, and then throwing the rest down to Hazel, who was waiting on the floor. It was too sneaky and adorable for us to be TOO mad, but it was a bond the two would continue until the day we put Hazel down (when I was 14).
So as you may have deduced, I'm 20, making Sammy 16 years old. Very old in kitty years. We noticed that he had started moving slower, losing weight, and just being less active. But about three weeks ago, we noticed that he was constantly drooling from his mouth. One day, I tried to wipe the drool away and it turned out to be an ulcer. We took him to the vet, who said it was simply because his teeth were getting weak, so we changed his hard cat food to wet cat food and he seemed to be better for a few days. Saturday, at the end of the night, I tried to feed him again and he wasn't walking very well. When he did move, he was struggling. When I set his plate down, he didn't even seem interested in the food at all. I looked at him, and the ulcer in his mouth was covered in blood, and his paws we matted with his own slobber from attempting to clean himself. I called my mom in and we both just looked at each other with tears in our eyes and nodded. We knew it was time.
We took him to the emergency vet, and after three hours of waiting (and nearly being attacked by a cat with a broken jaw who got loose in the lobby), went into the room and set him on the table. He laid down on his belly and just looked around, definitely not his usual self. It tore my heart to see him being so calm, when usually he would be going out of his mind to find a way out of that room.

The doctor came in, examined my little man, and told us that he had renal failure (one of his kidneys was tiny, meaning it had stopped working, and the other was nearly twice it's normal size, because it had to work overtime to make up for the other one not functioning) coupled with the onset of heart failure. She told us that we could run blood work to be absolutely positive that those were the true causes. Running the blood work would have meant keeping Sammy several days in the hospital, and then pending the results (all of which were bad), we could give him injections and transfusions to rehydrate him and then take him home. She said we would have to give him a plethora of pills on a daily basis, as well as give him injections. My mother and I looked at each other, and she nodded, to let me know that it was my decision to make. I asked how long all of that would give us, and she said days and if we were lucky maybe weeks. That was all I needed to hear.
Sammy wasn't good with stress at all (note the flea bath above, and even getting him to the doctor on Saturday he nearly had a panic attack), so keeping him in the hospital for several days and then having to give him daily injections, only to keep him alive for a few days was out of the question in my mind. Sammy was my baby, my little man. My Sam-Kablam, but I refused to keep him alive and in misery simply for the sake of feeling better that my cat was alive. It was too selfish. So we made the decision, and subsequently: lost it.
They took him out of the room to put the catheter into his arm, and my mother and I cried into each others arms. When the doctor brought him, she excused herself to give us a few moments to say our goodbyes, and what struck my mother and I was that as soon as the doctor set Sammy down on the table, he looked at both of us, and then laid down on his side, very peacefully. He knew it was his time.
My mother grabbed my hand and said she couldn't watch it. So she kissed his face, gave him a big hug and walked out. The doctor came back in, and as soon as she took the caps off the needles, he picked his head up and looked at me. I feel like there was a bit of a smile in his eyes, but that could just be the broken-hearted delusions of a young woman sending her pet to heaven, but I swear it was there. And then it was done.

The past few days, all the other animals in the house have been noticeably missing him. The dog walks around and wimpers, one of our other cats, BG, just lays in one spot, not moving. It's all very sad. But my mother and I comfort ourselves by reminding each other that Sammy found himself in heaven with Hazel, with plenty of cheap cat food, popcorn, potato chips, and counter tops with hamburgers galore.

This whole thing may seem a bit dramatic, and that is fine for you to think that. But for me, having and losing any animal in my life is very traumatic. Animals aren't just arm-candy, or accessories, or something flippant for me. I treat them like little humans. I hold conversations with my cats, and they respond with different bodily movements. I play games with my dog that go beyond throw and fetch. They mean so much to me, and I know I'm not the only person who feels this. I just had to say that before someone rolled their eyes at this entry and how sappy I got over "some damn cat" (a direct quote from the asshole to my left in Anatomy, when I told him what I did this weekend).

I don't want to tidily wrap this up with some funny little quip or a little ray of sunshine, because to be honest, at the moment, I'm just not feeling it.

I hope everyone's April is off to a great start.

Simple Pleasures

2008-03-23T20:54:00.002-04:00

This weekend I spent a good, okay large part of my weekend relaxing, doing work (from bed), reading, watching movies, and watching Scrubs. And yes, this weekend was amazing, just getting a lot of free time to myself, but it really made me appreciate the little pleasures in life. Things have really been coming together for me in a lot of ways lately, but even something so small as a 25 minute episode of Scrubs makes my day. I smile, I laugh, I enjoy myself, and that's what really gets me about the whole thing.
I feel like so many people in this day and age are moving too fast in life to really take in all the things that make them truly happy. Even if it is something as simple as reading a good book and laying in bed.
Easter is another thing that makes me happy. It's one of the few holidays that I know, without a doubt will be spent with my family. Just doing normal, low-key stuff like watching a movie together or talking about silly things like the obnoxious amount of traffic in our area. And with as busy as we all are, it all means a lot more to me (and hopefully them) than we all probably will ever admit, but perhaps that's the beauty of getting to spend these little, random holidays together.
Happy Easter, everyone.

Ahh, You're My Best Friend

2008-03-19T18:22:00.005-04:00

I found out yesterday that I will not be seeing Tyler again until June 7th. And even then, I will only get to see him for 10 days. And then he will be gone for 9 months to a year. In a foreign country. He will miss his twenty-first birthday, Thanksgiving, my twenty-first birthday, Christmas, New Year's, his little sister's second birthday, and a whole slew of other events. But what gets me most, is that I'll be missing him. I won't get to see his face, look into his eyes, hear his voice, feel his touch...it's all just too much for me to accept right now. I don't really have a choice, but at the moment, I've still got time. I told Michelle, they keep referring to his deployment as "shipment". My husband is not a package. He's not a box of goods that you're sending from Point A to Point B. He's a human being, as is his entire batallion. Every man and woman in the Marines, Air Force, Army, Navy, Coast Guard, whatever. They're all people. I have no neat and tidy way to wrap up this entry, because I haven't neatly and tidily wrapped up my emotions on the subject. I'm going to miss him, I know that for a fact. I already do, every single day I am not with him. All I can do is look forward to the future.

Keeping It Up

2008-03-15T20:39:00.001-04:00

My last blog was about positive attitude, and I can still feel the love vibrations all throughout my every day life. I'll admit that Friday, while driving home, I had a moment of sheer panic where I let money (for all of ten minutes) rule my life and nearly ruin my positive mind and outlook. But I realized that money, while it's important, isn't all it's cracked up to be, and that I was making mountains out of mole-hills for reasons unknown to me!

This weekend, I turned over a new leaf, if only in my mind. I decided that right along with my outlook, several things were going to change. Now, if you've been reading or have read my blog at all, you know that somewhere along the line I've attempted to better my health, spirit, and overall well-being. Keyword being attempted. Sunday, something clicked in my mind, and for once, I know exactly what it was that initiated that "click".

Growing up, I used to visit Minnesota every summer for at LEAST two months. After my parents divorced and my father moved to Las Vegas, I ended up seeing more of his parents than of my own father (that's a completely different entry, for a completely different time!). The entirety of my father's (still living) family lives in or around Minnesota. I spent every summer I can remember there since I was two (yes, that's right. I was two years old the first time I hopped on a plane as an unaccompanied minor and flew across the country! haha). And every summer since I was about 8, I went to horse camp. Now that may sound silly, but to me it's not. I'm sure like many little girls I had a complete and insatiable love and curiosity for horses. When my grandfather realized this, he made it his mission to get me on a horse. The result: a month and a half long stay at (gasp) sleep-away horse camp! I'll admit, the first day, I was terrified. I stood at the end of their driveway, with a suitcase in my hand (very lightly packed for a female, and eventually me in my later years, I would realize in my teens, haha) shifting from side to side, constantly tugging at my sleeves, worried about sleeping away from anyone and anything I knew. I was eight, and there was no such thing as cell phones in my mind, and I was just plain scared shitless.

The bus pulled up, and a very friendly lady opened the door, hopped out, grabbed my bag, and my hand, and led me onto the bus. Everyone on that bus, and I mean everyone said "Hi!", and we were all instant friends. The second I laid eyes on Scout (my first horse; the "beginners" horse), all my fears and worries vanished. My first time on a horse, ever, felt like home. I was free, I was tall (Hey! I'm 5'2", let me have my moments!), and I was obsessed. At the end of the camp, I got two awards. One for being "Most Improved" and another for being "Most Enjoyable". Sadly, the awards are in my attic somewhere, but they still mean so much to me.

Every summer after that, I begged to go to horse camp, and my grandparents sent me off, with the biggest smile on my face. The second year, I got moved up to the "advanced" level horse, who was taller than Scout, a lot faster, and slightly more irritable, meaning she was only slightly less inclined to listen to you. Again I got an award, that year for "Best Rider: Advanced Group", and while I was thrilled, I wanted the "Best Overall Rider" award. I talked to the owner of the camp, who was also head counselor, before I left, and asked where I stood as far as my riding ability went, and if I would be able to bump up a level (to the "expert" horse) when I returned next year. She informed me that we would see, patted me on my 9 year old head and said goodbye.

The next summer, I returned, and as soon as I walked into the stalls, Susan (the owner) handed me the reins to the biggest, fastest, most advanced, and well...nastiest horse at the camp: Monster (what a name, huh?!). She said that she talked to all of the instructors and from watching me, knew I was ready. My first ten minutes on Monster, she bucked me off. I fell on my ass, and got right back on, with a smile on my face. I was thrilled by the entire experience. She was hard to handle, which presented the challenge I wanted, she was rough, which gave me something to try and achieve (learning to control the horse and adjust to the difference in the ride), and she was (in my mind) the best horse at the camp. I got bucked off 6 more times before the month and a half long camp was over. No serious injuries (after you fall off of a horse so many times, you learn how to fall), just some bruises. But by the end of the summer, Monster was like putty in my hands. I got on her, and she was sweet and tame and listened to every command I gave her. If I barely moved the reins to the right, she went to the right, no fight at all. It was probably all the treats I gave her, but at the time I thought myself to be a God among horse riders.

Sadly, that was my last year on a horse. After that summer, my father got married, moved to Minnesota, and as terrible as this sounds, began stealing all my time away with my grandparents. I rarely saw them once he moved there. Then I slowly stopped going. I was growing up and I had school and jobs to worry about.

My first "real" job was at a horse farm. It was less than two miles from where I live, and I loved it. I helped feed the horses, clean their stalls (not glamorous, but I loved it still), and when the time came, helped train horses for the shows, and even helped raise newborns. Two years later when I was forced to leave, let's just say I wasn't a happy camper. At 17, that was the last
I had ever seen of horses, at least up close.

So back to my original point: Sunday, after a movie with my family (10,000 BC, to be precise), my step dad invites me to go to a friend's house. I was hesitant. "The man has horses." "I'll go!"
I went, and I got there, and the second I saw the horse, I was antsy to get on. When I did, they had a hard time prying me out of the saddle. I can't explain the way I feel on a horse, and honestly, I don't even want to try. For me it's so deeply emotional and private, that I don't want to try and explain that to anyone. Selfish? Probably, but do I care? Honestly, no.

On that horse, I had a moment of clarity. I knew what I wanted out of my present-day life, my body, my health, and how I was going to take action. It all fell into place, and I knew it right when it hit me.

I know it's not much, and it hardly counts as a routine, but last night I did Yoga before going to bed. Then I woke up, did yoga again, went for a run (1.57 miles, Michelle! In less time than it took me to do 1.53. Not by much, but it was enough for me to feel awesome!), then I took a shower and went about my day. Today, I got home from class, ate, and then did Yoga with my little sister. Already, after ending only two nights with it, and beginning one, I already feel happier, more positive, healthier, and well...amazing! I'm not going to "hope" or "will" myself to keep this up. I don't have to. I feel wonderful doing it, and I feel compelled to maintain this positivity. I'm not making changes in my life by leaps and bounds by any means, but to me, it feels like a hugely significant change already has taken place.

And right now, I must say, keeping it up is no problem!

Now to digress slightly and participate in what Michelle tagged me in, here are five things about me that you didn't already know!

1. My grandmother is my hero. She has been through so much in her life, yet she is still the most upbeat and positive person I know. Her father passed when she was young from stomach cancer, then her husband left her while she was giving birth to their first child to attend a Christmas party. After baby number two, he divorced her for a younger woman. She was then diagnosed with breast cancer (which, among other things, isn't convenient for a young woman living alone, raising two boys by herself). She met Bill and he became her second husband. Her youngest sister (whom she often refers to as her "baby Colleen") was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor, and died less than two months after the diagnosis. She was again diagnosed with cancer, this time in her stomach. She overcame that, bought a beautiful home in Wisconsin, was then diagnosed with melanoma, and had to have almost all of her nose and upper lip removed. She overcame that, had facial reconstructive surgery, and less than three months later found out that her loving husband Bill had Alzheimer's. After several years, he lost his battle with the disease, in his sleep. Shortly before Bill passed, her youngest son Randy (my uncle) was diagnosed with an unknown, incurable cancer. After more than five years or fighting the good fight, Randy lost his battle, with it, my grandmother lost her youngest son, one half of her offspring. She has since moved to Arizona, met a new man (Al), and lives, laughs, and loves everyday as if she couldn't be happier with the hand she was dealt from God. She proudly announces that she kisses her dog on the lips, will be the first woman in a crowd to show you that she has no left breast, and will dance and sing with you, completely sober, in the middle of the street with no music for miles around (I'm making her sound like a crazy person, aren't I?! Haha). I've only seen her cry one time in my life, the night her son was buried, and even in that moment, her true strength and love for life shown through to me. She is my best friend, and we've been through so much in my lifetime together. If I can become even a FRACTION of the woman she is, my life will be more than I want it to be.

2. I am married. At 20. To a Marine. And I couldn't be happier about it. My husband and I have spent just over three years together (high school sweethearts, I suppose), and I can't recall a time in my life when I was happier. He lights up my days, weeks, months...my life. Even from states away. Being apart from him is the worst. It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's what we've got, and that's why I love it.

3. I name absolutely everything I own. Seriously, my laptop has a name (Alfred..the Apple..get it?), my iPods (all of them), cell phone, car, running shoes, television, toothbrush, ever-y-thing. I don't know why, but I do it. It makes me happy and I like to address things by their names. My car isn't referred to in any conversation as "my car" or "my Pt Cruiser". It's Charlie. His own (seemingly) living, breathing, existing entity. That's just what I do.

4. I am absolutely, undeniably, and completely petrified of birds. I nearly had a nervous breakdown when my parents went out of town and left me in charge of my sister's bird. I had to feed it and change it's water (I love how I refer to the bird as an "it", yet my objects have names and are referred to as if they were alive, LOL). Terrifying day for me. It took me nearly two hours just to build up the courage to reach my arm into the cage, which I had wrapped with three of our thickest towels. Then it took me another two just to be able to KEEP my hand in the cage and grab the damn water! I hate birds. They scare the crap out of me. The end.

5. I play the violin. I started playing in elementary school and kept it up until my first year of college. Only recently have I pulled it back out again, tuned the strings that were aching to be played, and just sat in my room for hours playing until my heart was content. I missed it and I'm glad I finally pulled it back out again. It brings me a feeling a peace that I feel I can't get anywhere else, and I'm okay with that. I welcome it.

I'm passing this on to five people so they can share more about themselves with all of us! Here are the rules: Link to your tagger and post these rules. Share 5 facts about yourself. Tag 5 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them). Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blogs. Here's my list...

1. AG [100 Days in Bed]

2. Debbie Does Raw

3. Natalia Complacently Replacing...

4. Nicole Powered By Vegetables

anddd...even though I know she won't be able to do it for a while, I still want to hear what she has to say:

5. Dee

I hope this entry was long enough for you all! Haha. Have a wonderful day! I adore you all.

Positive Attitude

2008-03-09T11:59:00.003-04:00

As we speak, my cats are fighting with each other over who gets to have the chair. Now it was this simple moment, as well as many others that got me thinking about all of the silly, trivial, and down right stupid things people (and hey, even animals!) fight about. People are so quick to get angry and hateful and demean others if they don't agree with you, or want something or don't want something, and it's all just very foolish. This isn't to say that every argument is silly, not by any means, but I spent the majority of my day yesterday forcing myself to stop and think before I got angry over something, even upset or frustrated about it, watching others get angry with someone else, and realized that more often than not, it's something so minimal, that it probably isn't worth the wasted energy of getting angry in the first place.

I find myself being more positive lately. Far more positive than I've been in a long time. I wasn't depressed, by any means, rarely even down in the dumps, but I now realize that I was lacking a fierce, gripping positivity, which I am only now beginning to feel (it can only go up from here!).

I can (and will!) attribute it to several things. I've been running and working out more lately. Alright, not so much of the running as the working out, but I'm getting there. I've been eating healthier and more regularly (it may sound silly, but eating at or around the same time everyday makes a huge difference, at least for me). CrazySexyLife. I know it seems like I keep harping on it, but I recently discovered it, and it's had such a huge impact in my life already. (See my previous blog to learn more). I feel connected to people I've never met in such a way that I can't explain. They're helpful, passionate, energetic, and kind. It's something I look forward to being a part of each day. Finally, taking the time each day to appreciate what I have (and even what I don't) and take every little moment in while I can.

Today, my goal is to finish Atonement (I know!!! I've been reading it forever, it's terrible!), work out (run!), and see what the Yoga DVD I got from Netflix is all about. Not a heavy load of a day by any means, but I think I deserve a day to just sit on my ass and do what I want to do. I looked at my planner for the next month or so, and I have a lot on my plate, at least for me it's a lot. And I'm actually really looking forward to it.

I'm not going to say that I hope this positive attitude sticks around, because I know it will. I'll hold it hostage if it tries to sneak out in the middle of the night without a goodbye. It's here to stay, and I couldn't be happier about it. Or should I say positive?

Crazy, Sexy, Huh?

2008-03-07T23:55:00.003-05:00

As Michelle wrote in the CrazySexyLife forum, you know you're addicted to CSLife when certain things happen. I've had several things happen to prove that I'm addicted (the site goes down for two hours and I don't know what to do with myself! Haha), but what really out to me today was that I brought it up to someone in the Produce aisle while I was at the store with my mother. No sooner did the words leave my mouth did the woman look at me and go, "Crazy, Sexy, Huh? Like some site for crazy people?". I did my best to explain it to her, and she eventually got the point, and gave me a pat on the shoulder and told me to "continue with whatever makes me happy".
While I'm speaking about the forum, I feel compelled to say that never have I felt such honesty, compassion, hope, determination, camaraderie, and truly real emotions. People there are so helpful, supportive, kind, and friendly that it's so refreshing. There's terrible to have to say: that kind people are refreshing. I was talking to Kylie today about how our society is just so upsetting sometimes. You hear things on the news or in the papers that make you gasp. That people could do such things (for example: Today in Atlanta, someone stole a tip jar from Starbucks. The Starbucks employee proceeded to chase him down, shoot him, and kill him. Over a tip jar!), so to find people who are so absolutely, honestly, amazingly AWESOME makes me smile from ear to ear and thank God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Ringo, and the Three Stooges, that I've found people like this. CanSer or no, it's an amazing place, it really is!

Deliver Us From Evil

2008-03-06T15:36:00.002-05:00

This movie gave me chills in a way I can't really explain. For me it went deeper than the sheer disgust of a grown man taking advantage of the innocence of hundreds of babies, children, girls, boys, men, and women.
To hear an older couple talk about how they supported this man through so much, they welcomed him into their house day after day. And only after his actions became public (many many years after they had begun), did the parents question their daughter as to whether or not the priest had ever abused her. She walked away saying she didn't want to talk about it. To see these parents react with anger, disappointment with themselves, embarrassment, and hatred towards God.
On so many levels this movie got to me, and I wasn't expecting it to. I've heard the stories of the countless number of priests in the Catholic church who abused children. I've seen it all in the news. I've seen television specials. But perhaps what got to me is that I hadn't seen the individual effects of what had been done. I didn't hear the stories of a handful of what are now grown men and women changed forever by the actions of a priest. A man of God. To this day, some of them cannot move past the wrongs done to them.
I can understand their mentality towards their abuser. It's not an easy thing to do with, but I feel like their pain may or may not run deeper simply because it involves God and religion. You want to feel that you can see a man with a white collar, trust him, and allow him to be a part of your life without having to worry about him taking advantage of you and your innocence.
At this point I feel like I'm going to start rambling if I keep typing, so I'll end it here, but I just needed to verbalize how powerful this film is.

Run On

2008-03-06T12:26:00.004-05:00

Running used to be something I did often and for fun, for the enjoyment of it. Lately I feel like running is such a struggle. I am trying to start slow, and work my way towards a reasonable goal, but I just feel so let down when I start running and shortly thereafter I have to slow my pace to a walk because I feel like I just might pass out. I understand that you need to start slow and work your way towards that goal, but I just find myself beating myself up for not being where I want to be.
I'm determined to better myself mentally and physically, and conquer this challenge that looms in front of me.

here's to running and keeping my head up!

Goodbye my Lover, Goodbye my Friend

2008-03-04T08:38:00.002-05:00

It never gets easier to say goodbye to the person you love. In fact, I find that, at least for me, it seems to become more and more difficult each time. I'll be the first to admit that long distance relationships aren't the greatest thing in the world. Often times they're not fun, instead they are miserable, and you find yourself wondering why it has to be this way. Then you realize why, and you just sink even lower into you longing for that person.
However, for what it's worth, this being the second round of long distance for the two of us, I know that it's gotten better. Of course it isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. As a great friend once told me, "If it were easy, then it wouldn't be worth it." And it's so true. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I go to see him or know he's coming home. I still cry every time we say our goodbyes (mainly because I don't know when I will be able to see him again), and I still relish every single moment I get to spend with him.
An eight hour drive each way gives a person plenty of time to think, and my mind went to a million different places on the way there and the way back. But one thing I concluded was that in a way I like our goodbyes, because it gives me something to hope for, to look forward to for the next time I see him. And right now I'm waiting in anticipation for that next time.

Look back, don't ya dare let me start to do that

2008-02-28T10:41:00.002-05:00

I changed the layout colours a bit. I needed something brighter and happier.

My entire body is sore, and I couldn't be happier about it. I feel so alive, for the first time in quite a bit. My lunch today plans to be promising, and I must say I'm looking forward to branching out into the healthy world.

This post is extremely short, but that's essentially all I wanted out of it.

So I learn to listen through silence

2008-02-28T09:33:00.003-05:00

So many things seem to be floating around my mind lately. Piggy-backing off of what Dee said in her blog, I found myself driving in the car last night, by myself on my way home and I really listened to a song that I haven't actually sat down and listened to before. I absorbed the words and let them come into my mind and my thoughts, and then I found myself in a place that I didn't really want to be. The song brought back memories of a terrible time. True, that I've grown from it, I've moved on, and I'm better and stronger for having gone through it. However, anytime I think about it, whether it be because something brought it to my mind, like a song, or a name, or anything, I get this dreadful nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Much like the feeling I had when everything happened. I found myself in my car, driving along, feeling so angry and hurt, and just...in the moment. I replayed the song three or four times, and each time I felt myself getting angry, and then feeling some sort of release at the end of the song, because it was over, and I didn't have to think about that moment again, unless I chose to play the song again.
This is one of the few times when a situation that happened in the past arises and I just move past it, without focusing on it and making myself miserable. I believe it has a lot to do with all of the changes I'm making in my life, and all the positivity I feel lately all around me, but I can't be sure. And I don't need to have a reason. The fact that it happened the way it did is enough for me.
Recently, I find myself less compelled to spend hours doing nothing. I feel less compelled to make an excuse for why I did or didn't do something. Because, as Dee says, "excuses are the currency of a lazy person". And it's true. I'm glad I finally started to realize it and take it in, instead of taking it for granted.

Gone Baby Gone

2008-02-21T13:46:00.003-05:00

I don't have children, so I can't pretend to know all that mothers go through. However, I recently watched a movie (the title of this post) that really got to me. To have your child taken from you, out of their bed, and they just disappear, I can't even come close to imagining the feeling, from a mother's perspective. It's always beyond me how some people can treat their children certain ways, or put them through things, or allowtheir children to come through certain harms that they go through. I would imagine being a mother you would want to protect you child from anything and everything that could hurt them, scare them, or affect them in any kind of terrible way. Yet there are mothers who allow their husband's to rape their daughter's while they watch. Who allow them to live in terrible conditions, who allow their children to be beaten, and many many other things, that are just beyond me.

I've been thinking a lot about children lately. Sparked most recently by a friend who thought she was pregnant, finding out that her body essentially tricked itself. She was devastated. I don't want children now, but I've always wanted children. I love being around children, playing with them, taking care of them, reading them books, rocking them to sleep, the whole nine. And I can't wait to have children of my own. Recently, I feel as though I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I'm growing up. Little reminders hit me throughout everyday, and I just realize that the possibility of children is becoming more real for me, as opposed to just "oh, one day I'll have kids...some day". It's, for me, less daunting, and more exciting. I find myself looking forward to it with a smile on my face.
I'm not one of those girls who has all of her baby names picked out already, knows how she's going to do everything to a T, and all of that. I don't want to plan every little detail. I want to be surprised and take everything as it comes. And I'm really looking forward to all of it, when it does come.

Accents

2008-02-20T09:41:00.001-05:00

I love accents. Pretty much all of them except for a terrible Southern Drawl. Don't get me wrong, some Southern accents are okay, but for the most part, I can't really dig them. I have always said, but I feel more compelled to say it now: I love Midwestern and Boston accents. They're my weakness. I find them so sexy.
I was having a discussion with someone recently about how most Asian languages, the people don't sound passionate. Maybe it's just because I don't speak the language, but the person I was speaking to agreed that it's difficult to hear any kind of inflection with an Asian language. They don't sound upset, happy, angry, overzealous, or anything. It all just kind of comes out monotoned. Whereas on the flip side, that person thought that most German people always sound angry. I laughed at this, because I grew up around the German language, so I can pick up the different inflections. We both also concluded that Spanish always sounds really passionate.
This may be silly but I just felt like saying it.

Flowers

2008-02-14T13:46:00.003-05:00

Never, ever underestimate the power of flowers. Especially on a cold, dreary day. Whether it's receiving flowers from a loved one, putting a flower in your hair, or just stopping to bend over and take in the aroma of freshly growing flowers, never belittle their power to put a smile on your face and brighten your day.

Happy Hippie

2008-02-10T22:32:00.001-05:00

I went to a part of Atlanta I had never been before today (which was a shock, even to myself) and I was interested in the vast variety of people I encountered while I was there. I spent a good 30 minutes just sitting on the bench, eating my pumpkin seeds (thank you Whole Foods!) just watching people as they passed by. I saw people from what seemed to be many different walks of life, and then I saw two groups of people (the first entirely made of girls, and the second with only one boy/man) complete with dreadlocks, ponchos, sandals, etc. But that's not what irritated me about the groups. What bubbled under my skin and really got to me was that at least one person in EACH group made it a point to vocalize the fact that they were indeed hippies.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most knowledgeable on the entire "hippie movement", but I know a bit. It's always irritated me when people in our day and age (young people) feel the need to justify, announce, and confirm their being as a hippie by stating it.
I'm sorry, if you have to state it, I don't think you're a hippie. If you feel the need to go around shouting to anyone who will listen that you are, in fact, quite the hippie, then I don't think you are.
I feel as though a true hippie, firstly, wouldn't want to be labeled; hippie or otherwise. And that even if they had acquired a label, they wouldn't go around announcing it as if feeling the need to clarify and perhaps even get approval for their lifestyle. Please, PLEASE, if you feel a certain way about life, love, clothing, the environment, whatever, don't go shouting it from the rooftops. You are who you are and that's beautiful in and of itself. Don't limit yourself by labeling what you may or may not be.

The Volume of Life

2008-02-09T22:26:00.001-05:00

I have never understood people's need to yell when they're upset. I think I've only screamed, full on screamed at another person out of anger or frustration once. Do people think that screaming at the top of their lungs, getting in people's faces, cutting them off before they have a chance to speak, etc makes their point any more valid or easy to understand, comprehend, and perhaps agree with? No. It makes you look like an ass. A complete fool. I understand passion, and being upset, but to me talking things out has always seemed like a better way of getting things sorted out, even if you simply have to agree to disagree.
Now it may or may not seem somewhat hypocritical coming from me, the whole yelling bit. While I don't yell when I'm upset, I have a tendency to get upset quite easily, and on top of that, I usually let my emotions get the best of me, and not in a good way. It can often lead to, but is not limited to: acting irrationally, saying things I don't mean, causing a scene by doing many things (such as getting out of a moving vehicle to prove a point...good one, Mon), storming off, locking myself in places such as my room, the bathroom, a closet, my car, etc, and rarely, but it has happened...throwing things. But I don't yell. And I'm working on the whole irrationality issue.
I simply had to say how puzzling it is to me some people's inherent need to yell. I can't stand it.

Sleepless Nights

2008-02-06T03:00:00.001-05:00

I love that even when I can't sleep (and I'm not even tired) there's someone else awake that can keep me entertained. Because otherwise, let's face it, I'd be slumped over in bed, probably sleeping right now. And who wants that when you can read a book entirely, watch two movies, and work on finishing another?! Certainly not I! :) Plus I think it's about time
I became friends with 3 AM.

And sidenote: I know I've read far more than 167 books, but why the fuck can I not remember them all when I try to?!

Publicity

2008-02-05T23:43:00.002-05:00

If you find the need to be absolutely and completely obnoxious in public, please please do not make a point of having it affect everyone in the area. When I can scarcely hear myself think, you're annoying. When you're addressing my actions to your group of friends when you don't know me and aren't speaking to me, yet very clearly speaking about me, you're annoying. If all you and your friends have to do on a Tuesday night is smoke cigarettes outside a public place at nearly 10 at night and cause a scene repeatedly, you're annoying.
While I'm all for having fun and what not, that was just absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for. I am not a fan of strangers addressing me for ridiculous reasons or attention in public, but when you're pointing out various things about my presence or overtly commenting on what I'm doing or saying, I really have nothing else to do than to roll my eyes and wish your mother had raised you better.
And for the hell of it: don't ever go to a job interview with any of the following:
-pink fuzzy slippers on
-pajama pants on
-sweat pants on
-a "grill" in your mouth
-a cell phone attached to your ear
-rollers in your hair
and last but no least...
-booty shorts and a tube top that might as well be your bra